Start with gratitude
What is in that creates a space for connection? Is it not the space itself that breeds a longing, a desire to reach out, to touch and be touched, to re-affirm what already was, is, and will be? I see in myself that there are parts of me that wish to connect, and there are parts of me that are never quite satisfied with connection – be it with another, myself, or my life. Substitute the word connection with any other word and a general feeling of dissatisfaction prevails. It comes from a thought that nothing is ever good enough; a thought perhaps given to me as an unconscious gift, presented generation after generation…a thought that seems to have developed much momentum, conviction, and stickiness. This thought, not good enough, creates a feeling tone in my body. One of much restlessness and anxe; a desire to do in order to prove my worth that I have forgotten in the looming shadows of such thought. The thought and feeling tone inspire me upwards, outwards; like trying to grab something just out of reach. Isn’t it exhausting? I find it to be so. And, not that it necessarily matters but how strong are the roots of such thought? The inner critic, for me, is an off shoot also digging in; it offers, if I see from the right angle, motivation to change. The inner critics judgment and dissatisfaction can show me in what ways it hopes I might create shifts. And, the thing is, I can, more often than not. I have that privileged; that power of choice. As I have inherited this thought without speculation, until now; I too have also been given tools to change the dynamic between thought and action. Once the action becomes repetitive in nature it soon becomes clear to me that something else is happening that is leading to a mechanical reaction. What is that something else? Where is the thought? What are the forces at play here? When I see that I can create change, and have the opportunity to do so in the moments of my life, what would it take to choose something different? Right now. I acknowledge that there are times when reason has little room when thought/feeling/emotion is strong and yet, can I learn something in hindsight? Shifts are possible. Can I see the changes are already happening? Little by little. Change, as a friend once told me, begins with gratitude. My practice is to acknowledge what I have and be grateful, and from that grounded place, receive, take responsibility, and choose.
In a field beyond
She, she wants to be loved, wants to be seen, to be included. She longs for arms to wrap around her so she may disappear into a full embrace and find what forgetting feels like, she wants to know that feeling in her bones…she already does. She knows how to forget and how to remember. Sometimes, she forgets her troubles, aches and pains, their stories and shadow; when she does the place residing in her depths reveals itself in joy, playing. That place, her essence, omnipresent, under soiled surface until expressed; it only disappears like sun to clouds, but never, ever, does it leave her heart. Alive, shining, it fuels her every moment. At other times, she forgets this seed self and spins like winds on a blustery day, from here to there, caught in the distraction of how things appear to be, convinced and without discrimination. Depending on her forgetfulness she sulks or celebrates, she wishes and hopes or meets the moment with acknowledgement. She realizes what she already is and what we all blank out about. Why would we possibly choose to neglect something so beautiful? Something with such meaning, such spark, vitality, huspah! The very thing that makes a flower come into existence. Why on earth would we not tend to such? In prayer, in dream, in song and sovereignty, those are the moments we do. When we become animate for the force once invisible, we give Her an altar on which to dance and why of course, she does! Life is here for the feeling, to lift emotion into something more refined, offering definition for devotion, petals of gratitude and love, the gift of being the seed and emerging as the flower. When we let ourselves become, through application and responsibility to choice that we then disappear into an embrace of her love. By standing upright in our own individuality we can be carried away by her promise. No matter what, she’s there to wrap her arms so tenderly, so completely, so entirely, so you may rest in knowing just yourself no longer. ************************************************************************ What is the difference between the seed and the flower? Lately, I have been reflecting on this as a metaphor for my own life. How can, and how do I, return to that place of essence inside of me? When I am there, will I know it? What does it feel like? In some ways, I never leave that place, and on other levels, I most certainly do. I forget and act in ways that exemplify that forgetfulness. My ideal is to stay connected to such a place, the place of Self, and to consciously participate in that being the place from which I express in my every day life. The first steps feels like knowing when I am there, connected, embodied, taking up residence in the holy. I know when I am there because literally, I stand more straight, I feel a sense of ground underneath me and am more easeful with my experience. I find I am curious towards myself and others. I am like a child, in the way where I love already, you, this moment, my freedom that I might not even call it such yet; I am just being. I am inclusive, clear seeing, and often, I am joyful but I very well may be sad, too. There is a sense of responsibility that comes with this place for me: It is my job to take care of me, to cooperate with my own evolution, to expand my growth edges. If I don’t do that what happens is often I get escalated, frustrated, and because of my lack of Self energy, I tend to blame others. You know? Oh the freedom that actually comes from being responsible! For quite a long time there were parts of me afraid of that responsibility – that if I am responsible than I have to be perfect…then I cannot make any mistakes. That thought keeps me away from my agency and therefore, my sense of empowerment to choose. Responsibility doesn’t have to be so scary; it actually opens up many doors, and without an inner critic there is choice, choice, and more choices. As a creator, the seed, we have access to a force. It wouldn’t be without the great mother earth, her Sakti, that growth happens. It is an interdependent relationship. She fuels me, I sprout, rising, lifting to reveal my flower. To express the invisible, bringing the formless into form. How do you participate in doing so? And how, do you know when you are connected to that place? My prayer is that we my take root in our own seed selves more often, to celebrate that place, the true power that we do have access to, and to push up through the earth in due time becoming a field of flowers, together. As Rumi so beautifully says, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass. the world is too full to talk about.” How do we nurture and be nurtured by that place inside of ourselves that is genuine, that is unprotected by pretense, defense, projection, protection and the many hats we put on to cover our eyes. How do we come to rest in our true nature, and how do we return to that field once we have left? It is always there.
Reverence
Reverence: a state of holding high regard for something or someone. How can we bring into our practice a connection to this type of elated respect…for our bodies, for our minds, for our beings? That way, we don’t get on the mat with the intent to “fix” something, to “accomplish” a goal, meet the “challenge” or “obtain” a sense of peace. Rather we instead move in a way that is imbued with a sense of kind regard that might create a space for a natural goodness to emerge. It is getting out of our own way that we contact right where we are; and yet, that often is one of the biggest challenges and triumphs both. If we start to practice from a place of needing to get better or somewhere other than where we are we might not ever arrive. And we might have a long way to go; that’s that catch, isn’t it? That way of approach is like the snake chasing its own tail: it’s somewhat foolish and mostly an innocent misunderstanding. Or, perhaps it is the type of entertainment that we are unconsciously after: having a problem so that we might fix the problem, to discover another problem, so that again we might feel the boost of developing a solution. It is a saga and it could go on forever! It is entertaining and maddening, both. That doesn’t mean don’t start. No, start, and start right where you are and just as you are. But you might also consider what are you really after? What is the deeper call to practice? What are you hoping for? Looking to reveal? To receive? What is your intent, your aim? Often, we want transformation. Some type of change in life – whether it be on the physical, mental or emotional levels…somethings gotta give. We are perhaps a bit dissatisfied, or entirely ready to make shifts. The attempt to better ourselves is a genuine act of care to be celebrated! But the truth is, we are not broken. There is nothing that we need to fix. And because of this, practice will not fix it. It is not a magic band-aid. No, often we come in touch with the hard things in life, in ourselves; the ways we shut down, numb out, are ambitious, angry. The disillusionment begins…and it is just what needs illumination. The shadows that interfere with the omnipresent light. But…a skeptical voice asks…what is it doing? What’s the point? Am I just wasting my time? Isn’t this a big game…I mean…I’m chasing my own tail! Well, yes, and no, both. For me, practice helps me to remember as I so often forget. It is a way to clear out some of the cobwebs and dustbunnies that are real as far as meets the eye and yet just the same as everything else dressed in drag. We’ve got cleaning to do, responsibilities to fulfill, and a call to answer. Gifts to share, to offer, to elevate. It’s okay if we let it ring, but God [by whatever name, form, or no name] on the other line would love to chat. Practice, with reverence, is one way to answer the phone and engage in conversation. There is so much to be said in the silence. It isn’t just on the mat.
When I pray / Devotion
The joy that lives in our hearts, how do we go about contacting that place? That place of bigness where separation ceases to exist. When I am there I feel the quality of boundlessness, a spilling over, an overflow of something that celebrates. That says yes, I love! It is undeniable when it comes forth revealing itself. And then, what happens? Where does it go? Is it gone, or have I turned my back on such a place? And if so, not only am I sorry but also, I can turn around! I can turn around. Is it really that simple? I look to children for inspiration. The innocence of new growth that glistens with a radiance beyond being conscientious. They just are, what they are, until it changes. Perhaps their receptivity to shifting states comes from inhabiting in a place that doesn’t shift. From my perception, the changes don’t seem to be blocked or resisted but rather embraced. Or rather, allowed, no, that’s not it either, they just happen. Now…I am crying…I am sighing…I am laughing…ad infinitum. It is similar to plants and trees. Are they here thinking should I push up through the Earth now? Is it the best time to open my petals? Should I let go and drop them now? What does it mean when the snow comes? If consciously, there isn’t much thought given to such processes, what then are choices based off of? How to know when, what, how much? Instinct? Is that a word to describe a state of sense embodiment in which the subtle place doesn’t deny what it knows, and perhaps it doesn’t even ‘know’ it in the same way knowing is often understood. Instinct, as defined, is “a typically fixed pattern of behaviour by animals in response to a certain stimuli.” For instance, birds have an instinct build nests. Humans, do we have an instinct to stay alive at all costs? To self-preserve? Towards altruism? Do instincts of the mind and heart differ? And if so, what place do we choose to move from? Perhaps instinct isn’t the word. Intuition? Intuition, a felt sense of knowing. A felt sense of something shifting into place, like finding the right piece of the puzzle. As defined, “the ability to understand something immediately, without conscious reasoning.” Apartfrom the mind. Without a need to justify, to rationalize, to make sense of something else informs. There is a place in me that feels it needs to understand to have something be legitimate. And sometimes, the intuitions I have can be opposed to what my logical mind might say I should do. The feeling keeps knocking. Something is known. That might be close to what flowers and children and trees feel. Perhaps the word is ineffable. Sometimes, we cannot describe and put into category or sentence what happens in those experiential moments of presence. Sometimes, perhaps it is better to leave them without word and allow the feeling to echo, to reverberate and inform what comes next. Because, after all, those states come and go. And there will be a next wave that rises and falls in what is and always has been, water. When I pray, am I praying to the waves or praying to the water?
Folding Forward
Forward Fold In my own humility, I curl around myself. Standing upright on my own two feet, feeling the lift, feeling a sense of strength: I release unnecessary effort and strain. I lower my mind beneath my heart and come closer towards my center; where my two halves come together and meet. I am standing, yet I am not. In standing forward fold, both things are true. Opposites exist and I embody them. It isn’t this or that it is this and that. I press in with my feet and extend upward; I relax my shoulders, my neck, my face, and surrender down. The energy within my body begins to flow in a circle. When my hands touch my feet, and whether they do or not, there is a sense of my own fullness. I am complete in my own skin. I am complete. I am. When I come to a seated position, legs outstretched and bring my upper body towards my lower body in this way I cradle myself. When my knees are close to my chest, there is a sense of resting. I don’t need to do it all. I can relax, here and now; I can just be. To be is enough. As I rest on my own body I feel connected, held in a love that is so big it can be with anything and everything that arises. What is that love? It is like wings on my back, my shoulders opening now, my back body vast and wide. What is it that holds me back from abiding in this feeling? For me, and perhaps for you too, it is a sense of needing to be in control and not letting go enough. Forward Fold, whether seated or standing can teach me this. Do I keep my neck up? Are my shoulders tense? Where is my body holding on when it could, potentially, be letting go and creating space with this inhale? In the postures we are given an opportunity to reflect on questions…to connect the body and mind which was never separate in the first place. Does the mind not live IN the body? When we move the body, in shape, in form, is it not telling us something about mind? About ourselves? How can we leverage on this? By asking questions to our bodies wisdom and listening. I ask, in Forward Fold what restrictions are in my life? For me, it is often a feeling of being constrained, not enough freedom; a feeling that I sense as limitation in my body, feeling an edge, a divide. In my life that is when I can swing me towards the opposite, being too loose, collapsed, caving in on my own center. Forward Fold can, and does, reveal this all to me in paying attention to the messages of my body. Am I too rigid? What do I do with this “boxed in” feeling that I have? What helps me to release? A sigh. A breathe. Feeling the wings on my back opening. The light in my spines warmth. Knowing I can hold my own hand, my own heart, and am always cared for. So much love – am I ready to open the channels and let it in?